Compliments. We all love them, don’t we? Whether it’s a quick “Nice shirt!” or a well-timed “You did a fantastic job!”—they just feel good. And who doesn’t enjoy making someone’s day a little brighter with a kind word? But there’s a fine line between a heartfelt compliment and blowing smoke up someone’s ass. Too many people blur that line, thinking they’re doing the former when they’re really veering dangerously into the latter.
Complimenting isn’t just about making someone feel good—it’s about being genuine, thoughtful, and offering something that actually means something to the other person. And trust me, people can tell the difference between a genuine compliment and one that’s just hot air. So how do you give a compliment without seeming fake, insincere, or, worse, like you’re trying to flatter someone for ulterior motives?
Understand Why You’re Complimenting
Before you open your mouth to praise someone, ask yourself: Why am I complimenting this person? Is it because you genuinely admire something about them, or are you hoping to get something in return? Are you offering praise because they did something impressive, or are you just saying it to fill the awkward silence?
The intention behind your compliment matters. If you’re only doing it to suck up or make yourself look good, chances are that person is going to see right through you. On the flip side, if you genuinely think they did a great job, they’ll be able to feel that sincerity. People are more perceptive than we give them credit for.
Focus on the Person, Not the Result
When complimenting someone, try to focus on the effort, skills, or qualities they possess rather than just the outcome of their work. For example, instead of saying, “Wow, you won the award! That’s amazing!” try something like, “I really admire how hard you worked on that project—it clearly paid off.” The former just acknowledges the result, while the latter emphasizes the process and their personal dedication, which feels more personal and genuine.
Complimenting someone’s effort shows that you notice the work they put in, and that’s often more meaningful than just applauding the end result. It’s about recognizing the person behind the achievement, not just the shiny award they’re holding.
Be Specific
Vague compliments like “You’re great!” or “That was awesome!” can sometimes come across as hollow. Sure, they’re nice, but they don’t hold much weight. To make your compliment more impactful, get specific. Instead of just saying, “Great job,” say, “I loved the way you presented that idea—it was so clear and engaging.”
Specific compliments show that you’re paying attention. You’re not just tossing out praise because you feel like you should; you’re genuinely recognizing something about the person that stood out to you. This also avoids any awkwardness where the other person is left wondering what exactly you liked about what they did.
Keep It Real
This might sound obvious, but it’s critical: only give a compliment if you mean it. Don’t force yourself to compliment someone if you don’t really feel that way. People can smell inauthenticity from a mile away. And, let’s face it, no one likes feeling patronized.
For example, let’s say a friend asks for feedback on a project, and you think it’s okay but not amazing. Instead of saying, “This is the best thing I’ve ever seen!” (when you clearly don’t believe that), try offering genuine praise for the parts that stood out. Maybe the project wasn’t perfect, but perhaps there was something about their creativity or attention to detail that you admired. Compliment what genuinely impressed you, and skip the overblown exaggerations.
Don’t Overdo It
There’s something to be said for restraint. Compliments lose their power when they’re handed out too freely. If you’re constantly telling someone how “amazing” or “incredible” they are, it can start to feel like you’re just saying it out of habit, not because you truly believe it.
Overdoing it can also make the person feel uncomfortable or suspicious. It’s like when someone repeatedly tells you how much they love your shirt, and by the fourth time, you start wondering, “Okay, are they making fun of me?” Too much praise can feel disingenuous, so keep it balanced.
Know Your Audience
Not everyone receives compliments the same way. Some people love a public shoutout, while others might cringe at the attention. Before you give a compliment, think about how the person might react. If they’re the type who doesn’t enjoy being in the spotlight, a quiet, one-on-one compliment might be better than announcing it to the whole room.
Also, consider what matters to them. If you’re complimenting a colleague on a report they wrote, think about what aspects of their work they’re most proud of. Did they spend hours perfecting the data analysis? Or maybe they’re more excited about the creative approach they took in presenting it. Tailor your compliment to what’s important to them, not just what you noticed.
Compliment Character, Not Just Looks
It’s easy to fall into the trap of complimenting someone’s appearance, especially when it’s the first thing you notice. “You look great today!” is a perfectly fine compliment, but there’s a whole world of other things to admire about a person. Complimenting someone’s kindness, generosity, sense of humor, or intelligence can be far more meaningful.
People love hearing compliments about their character because it speaks to who they are, not just how they look. And while we all enjoy feeling good about our appearance, knowing that someone appreciates who you are at your core? That’s powerful stuff.
Avoid Backhanded Compliments
You know those compliments that are really just disguised insults? Yeah, avoid those at all costs. Things like, “Wow, you actually did a great job on this!” or “I didn’t expect you to pull this off, but you did!” might sound like praise, but they’re laced with doubt or surprise. No one wants to feel like they’ve exceeded your (apparently low) expectations.
If you’re going to compliment someone, make sure it’s pure, straightforward praise. If there’s any hint of negativity or backhandedness, it’s going to kill the whole vibe.
Make It About Them, Not You
A compliment isn’t about you. It’s about the other person. Don’t use it as a way to boost your own ego or subtly turn the spotlight back to yourself. For example, if someone shows you their artwork, don’t respond with, “Wow, this is so good! I could never do anything like this!” That might sound flattering, but it shifts the focus to your perceived inadequacies rather than celebrating their talent.
Instead, keep the focus on them. “Your use of color is stunning, and I love the way you bring everything to life on the canvas.” That’s much more effective and sincere.
Show, Don’t Just Tell
Compliments don’t always have to be verbal. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. If someone did a great job, show your appreciation by engaging with their work. If a colleague nailed a presentation, ask thoughtful questions about it or share your favorite part with others. If a friend cooked a delicious meal, ask for the recipe or compliment their technique while you’re eating.
Actions that show appreciation can be just as meaningful—if not more—than words alone. It shows that you’re not just giving lip service but that you’re genuinely impressed.
The Origin of “Blowing Smoke Up Your Ass”
Now, since we’ve been talking about avoiding false flattery, let’s get into the phrase “blowing smoke up your ass.” It’s such a colorful expression, isn’t it? But where did it come from?
The phrase has a bizarre and somewhat grim origin. Believe it or not, in the 18th century, blowing smoke up someone’s ass was a literal medical practice. Yes, you read that right. Doctors used to believe that blowing tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum could revive them from drowning. There were even kits distributed along the River Thames in London that included bellows specifically for this purpose. The idea was that the warm smoke would stimulate the patient’s body and get them breathing again.
Eventually, people realized that blowing smoke up someone’s rear wasn’t exactly a miracle cure, and the practice (thankfully) faded away. But the phrase stuck around, evolving to mean insincere flattery. Nowadays, when we say someone is blowing smoke up your ass, we mean they’re offering false praise or trying to butter you up without any real sincerity behind it.
So, while we don’t recommend the literal version of blowing smoke up anyone’s ass (for obvious reasons), it’s always a good reminder to keep our compliments honest, thoughtful, and, most importantly, sincere.
Final Thought
Compliments, when done right, can lift someone’s spirits, build stronger relationships, and make the world just a little bit brighter. But it’s essential to strike the right balance. Be genuine, be specific, and be mindful of how your compliments land. Avoid over-the-top flattery, and never blow smoke up someone’s ass. Because, as history shows, that never really works out for anyone.
