Let me start by saying that I’m not against positivity. I enjoy a good laugh, and I think a positive outlook on life is important. But, there’s a point where “positive thinking” crosses into something else entirely – something I like to call “toxic positivity.” And that, my friends, is where I have a problem.
Toxic positivity isn’t just optimism; it’s a distorted, pressure-filled version of it. It’s the idea that no matter how bad things get, you should just smile through the pain and pretend like everything is perfectly fine. It sounds harmless at first, but it’s actually destructive, dismissive, and, frankly, downright exhausting.
What Exactly is Toxic Positivity?
Let’s get one thing straight: positivity in itself isn’t toxic. We all need to find light in the dark sometimes. But toxic positivity is the relentless, overbearing insistence that you must always be positive, no matter what. It’s when people shove cheery platitudes in your face when all you really want is to scream or cry.
You’ve probably heard these phrases before:
- “Just look on the bright side.”
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “It could be worse!”
- “Good vibes only.”
Yeah, good vibes only. Are you kidding me? As if life is just one long vacation in some Instagrammable paradise where nothing bad ever happens. Newsflash: life is messy, painful, and frustrating at times. No amount of feel-good memes or motivational quotes is going to change that.
The problem with toxic positivity is that it invalidates real emotions. It tells you that if you feel anything less than happy, you’re failing. It can even make you feel guilty for having completely normal reactions to difficult situations. And honestly, I’m over it.
The Harm It Causes
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What’s the harm in being positive?” After all, nobody likes to be around a constant downer, right? True. But there’s a vast difference between being realistic and being a pessimist. Acknowledging your feelings and allowing yourself to experience them doesn’t make you a negative person; it makes you a human being.
Toxic positivity, on the other hand, can lead to:
- Emotional Suppression: When you’re told over and over again to “just stay positive,” you may feel pressured to hide your true feelings. Instead of processing your emotions, you bottle them up. Spoiler alert: bottled-up emotions don’t just disappear; they explode later, often in ways that are harmful to yourself or others.
- Shame and Guilt: If you’re going through a hard time and someone keeps throwing empty positivity at you, it can make you feel guilty for not being “happy enough.” You start to question yourself. “Why am I not handling this better?” or “Maybe I’m just weak for feeling this way.” And that guilt can spiral out of control.
- Isolation: Toxic positivity can make you feel incredibly alone. If you feel like you’re the only one not radiating sunshine, you may start to withdraw from people, thinking that your negative emotions will bring them down. But in reality, vulnerability and sharing your true feelings can actually create deeper, more authentic connections.
- Dismissal of Real Problems: Life is full of struggles—financial hardship, grief, illness, failure. Pretending that everything is “fine” when it isn’t doesn’t fix anything. Sometimes things aren’t fine, and that’s okay. We need to face our problems head-on, not sweep them under the rug with forced smiles and fake optimism.
When Positivity Becomes Pressure
Here’s where things get really twisted: in our culture today, there’s this pressure to be constantly happy. Social media doesn’t help, either. All those pictures of people living their best lives, seemingly without a care in the world? It’s a façade. But because it’s everywhere, it becomes the standard. And if you’re not meeting that standard, it’s easy to feel like you’re failing at life.
So, what happens? We try to keep up. We slap on a smile and tell ourselves, “I’m fine, everything’s great,” even when we’re breaking inside. We scroll through Instagram or Facebook, seeing the curated highlights of other people’s lives, and convince ourselves that we’re the problem for not feeling great all the time.
But life is not a constant stream of highlights. It’s full of lowlights, too. Trying to maintain this artificial, glossy version of happiness is draining and unsustainable.
The “Everything Happens for a Reason” Fallacy
Okay, can we take a moment to discuss the phrase “everything happens for a reason”? I think I speak for a lot of people when I say: enough already. It’s the most unhelpful thing you can say to someone going through a tough time.
Imagine telling someone who’s just lost a loved one, “Don’t worry, everything happens for a reason!” I’m sorry, but that’s not comforting—it’s cruel. It’s like dismissing their grief and pain with a hollow, meaningless sentiment.
Sometimes, things don’t happen for a reason. Sometimes, life is unfair, and bad things happen for no good reason at all. And you know what? That’s part of life, too. Pretending otherwise is just sugar-coating reality in a way that helps no one.
Feeling Negative Emotions is Okay
One of the most toxic ideas behind toxic positivity is the notion that negative emotions are “bad” or “wrong.” Let me tell you something: negative emotions are not bad. They’re a part of the full spectrum of human experience.
Feeling sad, angry, anxious, or frustrated doesn’t mean you’re doing life wrong. It means you’re living a real, authentic life. These emotions serve a purpose. They tell us when something isn’t right, when we need to make changes, or when we need to pause and process something difficult.
The problem with toxic positivity is that it makes us afraid to feel these emotions. But pushing them away doesn’t make them go away. In fact, it often makes them worse. It’s like trying to hold a beach ball underwater; eventually, it’s going to pop up and smack you in the face.
Why Do People Push Toxic Positivity?
If toxic positivity is so harmful, why do so many people cling to it? I think a lot of it comes from discomfort. Let’s be honest: dealing with someone else’s pain is hard. It’s awkward. When someone is struggling, we often don’t know what to say. So instead of acknowledging their pain, we default to platitudes like, “Stay positive!” or “It’ll all work out!” because it’s easier than sitting with the discomfort of their pain.
But here’s the thing: you don’t always have to have the perfect words. Sometimes, just saying, “I hear you, and I’m here for you” is enough. Acknowledging someone’s pain is far more powerful than brushing it off with a forced smile and a cheery quote.
I also think toxic positivity is a way for people to avoid dealing with their own emotions. If you’re always “positive,” you don’t have to face the difficult stuff in life. But that’s a temporary fix. Eventually, life will throw something at you that’s too big to gloss over with a smile, and all that bottled-up emotion will come flooding out.
The Importance of Balance
Look, I’m not saying we should all wallow in negativity. Positivity has its place, and maintaining hope in tough times is important. But balance is key. We can acknowledge the difficult parts of life while still holding on to hope for better days.
True positivity is not about denying negative emotions; it’s about holding space for both the good and the bad. It’s about saying, “This sucks right now, but I know I’ll get through it.” That’s a much more powerful and authentic form of positivity than pretending everything is perfect when it clearly isn’t.
How to Support Someone Without Resorting to Toxic Positivity
If you want to be a genuinely supportive friend, there are much better ways to help someone going through a tough time than throwing toxic positivity at them. Here are a few tips:
- Acknowledge their feelings: Don’t rush to make them feel better. Instead, say something like, “I’m really sorry you’re going through this. That sounds incredibly difficult.” Validating someone’s emotions is far more helpful than trying to gloss over them.
- Offer support without pushing solutions: Instead of saying, “You’ll be fine, just think positive,” ask how you can help. Sometimes people just need to vent, and they’re not looking for solutions or advice.
- Be present: Just being there for someone—whether in person or virtually—can make all the difference. You don’t have to fix their problem or make them smile; just listen and let them know they’re not alone.
- Avoid empty platitudes: Instead of saying things like, “Everything happens for a reason” or “Just be positive,” offer something more meaningful, like “I’m here for you, no matter what.”
Conclusion: The Case for Real, Messy Positivity
Toxic positivity is everywhere, but that doesn’t mean we have to buy into it. Real life is complicated, and so are our emotions. We don’t need to pretend everything is okay when it’s not. We can be honest about our struggles and still find hope in the midst of them.
True positivity isn’t about denying the difficult parts of life; it’s about accepting them and choosing to move forward anyway. It’s about acknowledging our pain and choosing to grow from it. It’s about letting ourselves feel the full range of human emotions without guilt or shame.
So the next time someone tells you to “just stay positive,” feel free to roll your eyes. Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, and that’s okay. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is be real, be messy, and let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling.
Let’s stop pretending that everything has to be perfect. Life is hard enough without the pressure to smile through it all. And let’s be real: no one’s got time for that fake “good vibes only” nonsense.
