Let’s be real for a second—dealing with an angry coworker is a pain. Whether it’s the passive-aggressive eye rolls in the breakroom or full-on meltdowns over the smallest things, it can make your workday feel like a nightmare. But here’s the deal: anger is part of the human condition, and when you’re stuck in close quarters with someone day in, day out, it’s going to surface. The good news? You don’t have to get caught in the crossfire. You can defuse it—if you know what you’re doing.
This guide is all about the how-to’s of calming an angry coworker. We’re skipping the fluffy feel-good nonsense and going straight to what works. So, if you’re ready to learn how to chill the volcano that is your coworker before they erupt all over the office, let’s get into it.
1. Don’t Take It Personally
First things first: stop taking everything so damn personally. Their anger is not about you—at least, not usually. Sure, maybe you’re the one standing in the line of fire, but often, their anger is about a missed deadline, a botched project, or something totally unrelated to you, like a fight they had at home or stress from another coworker. Even if they’re pointing fingers at you, they’re probably using you as a scapegoat. Remember, anger is rarely as logical as it seems in the moment.
When someone’s going off, your first instinct might be to defend yourself, but that’s going to escalate things. Don’t take the bait. Stay calm, because losing your cool is only going to make things worse. They’re venting, and you’re just the unlucky one standing closest.
2. Let Them Vent (Within Reason)
Anger is like a pressure cooker. If you try to clamp down on it, it’s going to explode at some point. Letting someone vent—within reason—can be like releasing that steam so it doesn’t blow up in your face. People need to feel heard, even when they’re ranting about something stupid like the printer jamming for the hundredth time. Sometimes, they just need to get it out of their system.
But let’s be clear here: you don’t want to let them go on a tirade forever. You’re not a human punching bag. Give them space to express themselves, but don’t be afraid to set boundaries when it’s getting out of hand. You can say something like, “I get that you’re upset, and I’m here to listen, but I’m not going to stand here while you scream at me.”
3. Validate Their Feelings (Without Agreeing)
This one’s tricky, but it’s essential. You’ve got to validate their feelings without cosigning their bad behavior or agreeing with everything they’re saying. Why? Because telling someone they’re wrong when they’re already pissed off is a surefire way to escalate things. People get even angrier when they feel dismissed or misunderstood.
So how do you pull this off? Use phrases like, “I can see why you’re frustrated,” or “That sounds really tough.” You’re not agreeing that the situation is as catastrophic as they think, but you’re acknowledging their emotions as valid. That makes them feel heard and understood—two things that can help cool the flames of rage.
4. Stay Calm (Even When You Don’t Feel Calm)
Anger is contagious. If they’re yelling and you start raising your voice too, the situation is going to spiral out of control. The key is to stay calm—especially when you don’t feel calm. Fake it if you have to. Speak in a low, steady tone, and don’t match their intensity. You’ll be surprised how much your calm demeanor can actually influence theirs.
Pro tip: practice some deep breathing. It sounds cheesy, but it works. When someone’s losing it, take slow, deep breaths. It’ll keep you grounded and help keep your emotions in check. If you stay calm, it’s easier for them to follow your lead.
5. Find the Root of the Anger
Most anger is a symptom of something deeper. It’s rarely about the thing they’re blowing up over—there’s usually an underlying issue at play. Maybe they’re stressed about a tight deadline, or they feel undervalued in their role. Whatever it is, if you can get to the root of what’s really bothering them, you have a better chance of helping them calm down.
Don’t play therapist, but do ask questions that might lead them to reveal what’s really going on. Something like, “What’s really stressing you out right now?” or “Is this about the project or something else?” can help them open up. Once you understand the real problem, you can address it in a more constructive way.
6. Give Them Space If They Need It
Some people need to blow off steam in private. If someone’s getting worked up and you can tell they’re about to blow, sometimes the best thing you can do is give them some space. Let them take a walk, get a coffee, or just step away from their desk for a few minutes.
You can offer this up gently, like, “Maybe we should take a few minutes to cool off and talk about this when we’re both feeling calmer.” You’re not shutting them down—you’re just giving them a chance to reset before things get ugly.
7. Don’t Get Defensive
When someone’s angry, it’s easy to fall into the trap of defending yourself or justifying your actions. You want to clear your name and explain why it’s not your fault. But here’s the harsh truth: when someone’s fuming, they don’t care about your side of the story. All they see is red, and trying to defend yourself is just going to make them more pissed off.
Instead, focus on understanding their perspective. You can always explain your side later, when things have cooled down. For now, just listen and let them get it out. Trust me, you’ll have a much more productive conversation once they’re calm.
8. Apologize If It’s Your Fault (And Mean It)
If their anger is justified—maybe you missed a deadline or dropped the ball on a project—own up to it. Nothing diffuses anger faster than a genuine apology. But here’s the catch: your apology has to be sincere. People can smell a fake apology from a mile away, and that’s just going to make them even angrier.
Say, “I’m really sorry that happened, and I understand why you’re upset. Here’s what I’m going to do to fix it.” Don’t make excuses or shift the blame—just own it. Acknowledge your mistake and explain how you’re going to make it right. Most reasonable people will calm down when they know you’re taking responsibility and working on a solution.
9. Stay Away from the “Calm Down” Button
The two words you should never say to an angry person? “Calm down.” It’s like pouring gasoline on a fire. Telling someone to calm down is patronizing and dismissive, and it’s almost guaranteed to make them angrier. Instead of telling them to calm down, focus on de-escalating the situation by validating their feelings and offering support.
Say something like, “I can tell you’re really upset. Let’s talk about how we can fix this.” You’re acknowledging their anger without minimizing it, which will go a lot further than barking “calm down” at them.
10. Offer Solutions, Not Excuses
When someone’s angry, they’re not looking for excuses. They don’t want to hear about how you were too busy, or how it was out of your control. What they want is a solution. So instead of trying to justify yourself or deflect blame, focus on how you can fix the problem.
Ask, “What can we do to make this right?” or “How can we move forward from this?” Offering up solutions shows that you’re not just standing there, passively absorbing their anger—you’re actively trying to resolve the issue.
11. Know When to Walk Away
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, nothing you do is going to calm them down. Maybe they’re just having a terrible day, or maybe they’re the kind of person who thrives on drama and conflict. Whatever the case, there are times when the best thing you can do is walk away.
You don’t have to put up with someone’s abusive behavior. If they’re crossing a line, getting personal, or just refusing to de-escalate, it’s perfectly fine to remove yourself from the situation. Say something like, “I’m not comfortable continuing this conversation right now. Let’s talk later when things have cooled down.” Walking away is not a sign of weakness—it’s setting a boundary.
12. Know When to Get Help
Sometimes, an angry coworker is more than just an occasional annoyance—they’re a real problem. If someone is consistently blowing up at you or creating a toxic work environment, it might be time to get some backup. Whether that means talking to your boss, HR, or a trusted mentor, don’t be afraid to escalate the situation if it’s getting out of hand.
Document instances of their behavior, and don’t hesitate to get help if you feel like their anger is affecting your ability to do your job or your well-being. There’s a difference between an occasional outburst and a toxic coworker, and it’s important to recognize when things have crossed that line.
13. Focus on Solutions, Not Sides
When tempers flare, it’s easy for things to devolve into an “us vs. them mentality.” But here’s the truth: when you’re working in a team, everyone’s on the same side—whether they realize it or not. The goal isn’t to win an argument or prove who’s right, but to find a solution that benefits everyone. Shifting the focus from blame to collaboration can help defuse even the most heated situation.
Instead of saying, “This is your fault” or “You should have done this,” shift the conversation to, “How can we work together to fix this?” or “What can we both do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?” When you make it about solving the problem rather than pointing fingers, you’re more likely to calm things down and get everyone back on track.
14. Don’t Let It Fester
Once the situation has been defused and your coworker has calmed down, don’t just sweep it under the rug. Lingering anger, if left unchecked, can build up over time and create even bigger problems down the road. Take the time to address any unresolved issues when things have cooled off. Ask your coworker how they’re feeling, and make sure there are no hard feelings lingering beneath the surface.
It can be as simple as saying, “I know we had a tough conversation earlier, but I’m glad we worked through it. Is there anything else you want to talk about?” This shows that you’re not avoiding the issue and that you’re committed to maintaining a positive working relationship.
15. Learn from the Experience
Lastly, every time you deal with an angry coworker, consider it a learning experience. It’s not just about calming them down in the moment—it’s about understanding why they got angry in the first place and what you can do differently in the future to prevent it from happening again. Maybe it’s about improving communication, managing expectations, or just being more aware of their stressors.
If you’re constantly dealing with angry coworkers, it’s worth reflecting on whether there’s a broader issue at play in your workplace culture. Is there too much pressure? Are deadlines unrealistic? Is the team dynamic off? Use each incident as an opportunity to learn and grow, both individually and as a team.
Conclusion
Dealing with an angry coworker is never fun, but it’s part of life in any workplace. The key to handling it is staying calm, listening, and focusing on solutions instead of blame. Remember, their anger is usually about something deeper, so don’t take it personally, and don’t try to “win” the argument. If you approach the situation with empathy, patience, and a focus on problem-solving, you’ll have a much better chance of calming them down—and keeping the peace at work.
And if all else fails, there’s no shame in walking away or getting help from HR. You’re not responsible for fixing someone else’s temper, but you can protect your own sanity and well-being. Be calm, be firm, and don’t let their anger control the situation. At the end of the day, how you handle an angry coworker says more about you than it does about them—so make sure you handle it with grace, and don’t let their mood drag you down.
